


Toilet Troubles

by glassskins



Category: One Piece
Genre: Humor, M/M, brief mention of masturbation, let me know if I should tag something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 21:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12590756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassskins/pseuds/glassskins
Summary: [Modern AU] A short drabble about a fun visit to the public toilet at a festival. Gone wild.





	Toilet Troubles

“Is that it?”

“…It does say ‘Gents’, or can’t you read?”

“It also says ‘closed for renovation’.”

“Nah, they probably forgot to remove the sign.”

“It’s also pitch black in there, looks like.”

“Are you a scaredy-cat? Use your mobile, or whatever.”

“If we’re arrested mid-poo, you explain it to the Feds that ‘ohhh, I thought they forgot to remove the signs’.”

“Well, you are pooing, not playing a rock concert… or singing, for that matter. We’ll be fine— You’re not singing, are you? Maybe I should just wait outs—”

“Fuck you. You’re just jealous of my voice—”

“Yeah, we can do that too.”

“Wh—In a public toilet? That’s closed for renovation?”

“Well, it is pitch black in there. Only ghosts would see us.”

“…”

“…You don’t wanna?”

“Eh, I gotta poo first— really bad.”

“I’ve told you, like a million times before, the sandwiches are a mistake you’ll pay dearly for. Repeat after me: Bread. Is. Satan’s. Spawn.”

“Shu— Argh. Bugger off, not helping. We’ll pick this up later.”

“If you’re not out in… half an hour, should I call the cops?”

“Co— What—? Oh, it’s… It’s completely empty.”

“What is? Your bowels?”

“No stalls, no nothing… Least, none I can see.”

Law emitted guttural The Grudge noises and jabbed his fingers harshly into Kid’s ribs.

“FAA—!! Agh! You could’ve just made me shit myself, arsehole! And then the whole night’s over!”

“So, we find another?”

“Yeah, am not taking a dump in the middle of an empty room in total darkness.”

Law snickered. “Knew you were a scaredy cat.”

“This has nothing to do with that! I could trip— Step on my own— Argh, fuck this. Where next?”

“We keep searching?”

“Fuck that. I’m asking someone, since you refuse to.”

“I can’t help my insecurities…”

“…”

“What?”

 

~

 

“There… We’re here. Are your tighty-whities still shit-free?”

“Yeah, ugh. I should make you eat it.”

“Gross. I hope you crap yourself.”

“…Looks like you may get your wish by the time it’s our turn.”

“Please don’t.”

“Of course not! I’m not an ape— I have standards. Of hygiene. Whatever.”

“Don’t worry.” Law patted Kid’s shoulder insincerely. “I’m sure the line will move quickly enough. Alternatively, we could do what the tourists do. I’ll pretend you’re my kid. You need to go reaaaaaally bad — crap your pants kinda bad — and we count on everyone else’s sympathy.”

“No.”

“Well, fuck. I tried—Oh, look, you’re in luck. Queue was for the Ladies. Gents looks fine.”

“…Damn, this toilet’s built for dwarves. Hey, don’t walk by my side. Don’t wanna end up stuck before I even pull down my pants. Is there a support group meeting in here or something? A surprise meet-and-greet with some celebrity? For fuck’s sake.”

“Good work… Everyone’s looking at us all weird. You command the same amount of attention as the Queen, it’s amazing—”

“Shut your mouth, Trafucker.”

“—Reckon the bear over there wants to pound your ass for looking at him wrong.”

“I should pound _your_ ass in front of everyo—”

“Why don’t you?”

“—Lucky for you—” Kid shot Law a glare. Without finishing his sentence, he disappeared into one of the cubicles and slammed the door. BANG! Everyone in the toilet jumped at the noise. The door swung open again on its hinges, creaking miserably at the undeserved abuse. For the next few seconds, to Law’s elevating amusement, Kid struggled to lock the door to no avail. Finally, his gut troubles spurred him into admitting defeat. Kid dashed out the cubicle and tried the neighbouring cubicle. BANG! Everyone in the toilet flinched. The door swung open again, whining, to reveal a flustered Kid.

“I think you should stop,” Law said, standing outside the cubicle Kid occupied.

“The locks are broken,” Kid grumbled, closing the door on Law’s face. Seconds later, he opened the door a small crack and peeked out. “Eh…” Kid paused, and scowled at Law. “Can you stand guard?”

Law snorted. “I’ll bet you a hundred quid, no one, besides me, wants to see your dick, Eustass. Nor your pasty ass.”

“That doesn’t rule out accidents! Just stand there! Is that too much to ask?” Kid gave Law a warning glare Law did not appreciate before he closed the cubicle door and proceeded to take care of his unhappy gut problems.

Law raised his brows slightly and smiled to himself. Nevertheless, he lingered in front of Kid’s cubicle. He folded his arms and squared his shoulders to look buff. If Kid wanted him to protect the innocence of his naked ass, by all means, Law would embark on that responsibility with utter seriousness and resoluteness. Not even a mosquito would be allowed to enter the cubicle.

Minutes later, over the unpleasant sounds of Kid dropping deuces into the toilet, always accompanied by loud splashing and a grunt of satisfaction, a young boy stepped toward Law.

Law immediately held out an index finger. “Stop right there,” Law demanded, plastering a stern expression. “Her Majesty is taking a gigantic dump inside. For your own safety and well-being, I’d strongly advise you to escape while you can, before Her Majesty unleashes the fart missiles—”

“TRAFALGAR!! WHAT THE FU—”

“As you’ve heard, he’s ready to blow an—”

“Cut the crap! I’ve asked only one thing of you! One thing!”

“Yeah, I’m not touching your crap—”

The little boy sprinted out the Gents, just as a flush resounded from inside the cubicle. The door opened to reveal Kid, his cheeks matching the colour of his hair, his forehead beaded with sweat. Kid yanked Law’s shirt. He breathed heavily into Law’s impassive face for a brief moment before he shoved Law aside. All eyes in the toilet stared at them with varying degrees of concern but neither Kid nor Law appeared unfazed by the attention of being a public nuisance.

“What was that you said?” Kid growled. He narrowed his eyes and sulked. “His Majesty demands an apology. On your knees. Bow your head to the ground.”

“Hey, now.” Quietly, Law tugged out the back of Kid’s shirt that had been accidentally tucked into the waistband of his jeans. “I know His Majesty likes it dirty but I don’t. I’m not touching the filth. Aren’t you embarrassed by the words out of your mouth?”

Before Kid could respond, his eyes goggled and, clutching his stomach, he raced back into the cubicle. BANG! Law strolled up to the cubicle. He helped to close the ajar door and retook his position as Kid’s royal guard. For all their bickering and banter, Law could feel a tinge of sympathy for Kid’s stomach pains. He would not abandon Kid in a time when he needed him most.

An orchestra of splashing ensued, followed by some half-repressed groans of a man on the verge of keeling over, of a woman in labour. A pungent stink drifted out from the cubicle but Law did not budge from his spot. He pulled out his mobile and read through an ebook. Finally, a weak voice called out.

“Pa— There’s no toilet paper,” Kid muttered, just loud enough for Law’s ears.

“And?”

“I need some.”

“…And?”

“Fucking hand me some! From the other cubicles or whatever.”

“How am I supposed to materialise toilet paper from thin air?”

“Chec—”

“You should’ve checked before pooing?”

“Forgot I used it all, all right? Now, just go find me some.”

“So it was your fault---”

“Wil---”

“What if I weren’t here? Who’d help yo—”

“Will you just—”

“I can’t always be by your side babying you, Eusta—”

“Just!!” Kid hissed. “For fuck’s sake!”

“Language, Eustass. Try not to burst a blood vessel or suffer cardiac arrest while I’m gone…” Law tapped his fingers twice on the door before he left in search of toilet paper. Kid was out of luck. The other cubicles contained only barren cardboard rolls and Law doubted Kid wanted to use that on his delicate ass. Thus, Law disappeared from the Gents. He took his own sweet time wandering through the festival outdoors.

Law returned a good twenty minutes later. He sauntered back to the cubicle where he had left Kid sitting with his pants around his ankles. Law tossed a roll of toilet paper over the door, which elicited a surprised yelp from Kid as his arms struggled to catch the roll. Unfortunately, the toilet paper slipped out of his hands and rolled out the cubicle from under the door. Law bent down to pick it up and, this time, he opened the cubicle door wide — drawing gapes and gasps — to personally pass Kid the toilet paper.

Kid screamed, “Oi!” He snatched the toilet paper and leaned forward, hands over his crotch. “Bastard, what took you so long?!” Kid huffed. “Would’ve thought you’d gone back on your own.”

Not even a thanks? Law scrunched up his face and clicked his tongue. “I had to run to the toilets at the other end.”

“Bollocks. You don’t look like you ran.”

“No, I’m just very fit.”

“You’ll pay for this!”

“Well, actually, I stole it but no one has to know…?”

Before Kid could yell, Law invited himself out the cubicle and closed the door with gentle care. He waited for the flushing sounds and then he stepped aside and bowed in mock respect when Kid stalked out.

“Your Majesty had a good time?”

“Fuck you.”

“Tsk-tsk, swearing is unbecoming of Your Majesty. Please consider your public image and reputation. Also, that there are children in our pres—Uggh!” Law hunched forward slightly, a hand over his stomach where Kid had elbowed him hard. It took Law a few seconds before he straightened up and joined Kid at the sinks. A faint smile was back on Law’s face.

Kid ignored Law. After washing his hands, he fished out his eyeliner and lipstick and touched up his makeup while Law stood by his side, shaking his head slowly at the mirror. The second Kid set down his lipstick, Law grabbed it, with a glint in his eye. Kid gave Law a sharp sidelong glance at the gesture, but made no comment. He continued primping his hair, puckering his lips, and admiring his reflection with a grin. Seizing the opportunity when Kid remained distracted with his vanity, Law uncapped the lipstick and scribbled on another mirror, ‘CALL ME XOXO’ with Kid’s contact number below. Law would have decorated his message with doodles of hearts for aesthetic appeal but Kid had noticed his mischief. Annoyance flashed in Kid’s eyes. He barrelled toward Law. His larger hands shot out and grasped both of Law’s wrists. Kid tightened his grip. He slammed Law hard against the wall. The uncapped lipstick clattered to the floor. Law chuckled, even as a brief wave of pain spread down his back.

“Okay, okay. Behave, now. People are watching…” Law’s eyes flicked to the side. Alas, only one other person had stayed in the Gents. An elderly man who had spent the past fifteen minutes soaping and washing and drying his hands, repeatedly.

Kid pressed a knee insistently between Law’s thighs. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Hmm, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Law waggled his brow. “Have some courtesy, still. Old grandpa doesn’t need to see this. D’you want us thrown out? Spending the night in a cell? You could give gramps a heart attack.”

“Shut up.” Kid’s fingers scrambled for Law’s belt. He fumbled with the button and zipper on his jeans before he yanked them down.

Despite his lack of resistance or protest, a flicker of a frown passed across Law’s face when he felt the cold ceramic walls against his bare ass, and his jeans and boxers slid down to his ankles. No doubt, parts of them came into contact with the filthy floor. Regardless, Law’s hands worked keenly on Kid’s zipper. His fingers slipped playfully under the waistband of Kid’s boxers when Kid grabbed his wrist and halted his sneaky advance down south.

“Did I give you permission?” Kid pulled out Law’s hand. He cupped Law’s fingers over his dick instead and stared darkly down into Law’s eyes. “Get yourself hard.”

Law raised his brows in confusion. Nonetheless, he obliged. While anyone could enter the toilet at any given moment, and catch him in the midst of the lewd act, Kid’s broad back provided good coverage against prying eyes. Thus, with Kid hovering mere inches away, Law wrapped his fingers around his shaft and brushed his thumb over his slit. He jerked off while Kid’s eyes were fixed on his motions, completely attentive. Law pinched his lips together and bit down slightly on his tongue to keep from making any accidental moans since Gramps was still several feet behind. Once he got himself fully erect, Law emitted a soft groan before he grabbed Kid’s shirt.

“Are you doing the honours?” Law’s voice was almost a purr.

“Hah, nah,” Kid scoffed. He teased a finger over Law’s engorged tip and licked his lips.

Law tilted his head back, his eyelids fluttering slightly, his lips parting with a breathy moan. To Law’s utter dismay and alarm, Kid stepped away — backed away swiftly toward the door. Kid opened the door and, with a smirk and a wry wave of his manicured hand, Kid disappeared outdoors to enjoy the rest of the festival, leaving Law gawking in absolute disbelief at the sudden betrayal. His back pressed against the wall, his dick exposed and hanging out, Law’s expression darkened with indignation. How dare?! His cheeks colouring crimson, Law had half the mind to yell Kid’s full name in anger but, regrettably, he could not draw any more attention to himself. Law snatched up his pants and boxers and tugged them up over his hips. In a huff, he darted into the cubicle to finish what Kid had instigated. Law cursed Kid under his breath. He would make Kid sorry — ahh — once he got his hands on him later! Unfortunately, for Law, it had completely slipped his mind that the cubicle door had faulty locks. Minutes into his wank, the door slammed open. Law gave a start and gasped. His face paled in shock before it burned with mortal shame. Hands panicking to cover up, Law glared at the offending intruder.

The young boy stared blankly at Law for seconds. “—Daddy!!” the boy wailed. He sprinted off for the second time that evening. All the poor child wanted was to take a poo, without any weird and creepy strangers to unsettle him.

Needless to say, Law did not stay for a meeting with the boy’s father.


End file.
